THINGS
(director/ writer: Andrew Jordan; screenwriter: Barry J Gillis; cinematographer: Dan Riggs; editors: Barry J Gillis/ Andrew Jordan; music: Jack Procher/Stryk-9; cast: Barry J Gillis (Don Drake), Amber Lynn (Reporter), Barry Roach (Fred Horton), Doug Bunston (Doug Drake), Patricia Sadler (Susan Drake), Jan W. Pachul (Dr. Lucas), Gordon Lucas (Tortured Man); Runtime: 83; MPAA Rating: NR; producers: Barry J Gillis/Andrew Jordan; Left Field Productions; 1989-Canada)
“It should only be seen if you care to see a bad film that’s really bad.”
Reviewed by Dennis Schwartz
Andrew Jordan (“BnB Hell”) directs and writes Things with the film’s star Barry J. Gillis. The super low-budget (around $35,000) schlocky B-film, shot in the suburbs of Scarborough, Ontario, is maybe one of the worst films ever made. It’s shot on Super 8 and 16mm, and looks grainy. It was dubbed after being shot, and was released on VHS-1 video.
Don (Barry J. Gillis) and Fred (Bruce Roach) visit their married mutual friend Doug (Doug Bunston), in his log cabin, in the woods. In the refrigerator they find a tape recorder that plays occult messages. They grab some beers, put roaches on their sandwiches and tune into a TV reporter (the porn star Amber Lynn) who is broadcasting from the future but can see inside their cabin (Don’t ask how!!!). There seems to be a mad scientist in the cabin experimenting, and lying around on the floor are a number of severed skulls and plucked out eyeballs.
It’s not clear how the impotent Doug’s pregnant wife (Patricia Sadler) got pregnant but, in any case, her wacky husband made her take a dangerous experimental drug and the result is a giant ant is inside her and assists her birth to an alien. Soon the cabin is overrun by these tiny alien creatures and the humans fight to survive these attacking creatures.
It’s difficult to follow the jumbled story and all its nonsense while straight, therefore your viewing pleasure might improve with a hit of acid or just not to be concerned over its story-line making sense. This is a trashy, poorly made film that’s absurd, creepy and silly.
It should only be seen if you care to see a bad film that’s really bad.
The best goofy quote of the film goes to Gillis, who says to his pal Fred: The next time I bring you with me I’m leaving you at home.
It’s considered in some circles to be relished as a“canuxploitation” film.
REVIEWED ON 5/30/2023 GRADE: D