I MARRIED A WOMAN

(director: Hal Kanter; screenwriter: Gooman Ace; cinematographer: Lucian Ballard Kenneth Marstella; editor: Kenneth Marstella; music: Cyril Mockridge; cast: Diana Dors (Janice Briggs), George Gobel (Marshall “Mickey” Briggs), Adolphe Menjou (Sutton), William Redfield (Eddie Benson), Jessie Royce Landis (Mrs. Blake), John Wayne (Himself), Angie Dickinson (Herself), Nita Talbot (Miss Anderson), Steve Dunne (Bob Sanders); Runtime: 84; MPAA Rating: NR; producer: William Bloom; RKO (Universal-International); 1958)

“A bomb.”

Reviewed by Dennis Schwartz

A bomb. Even the title stinks. Not even a cameo from John Wayne going romantically bonkers to his wife Angie Dickinson in a bogus Technicolor film clip within the b/w film can add anything to this dud. Mediocre director Hal Kanter(“Loving You”/”For The Love Of It”) is clueless how to draw comedy out of the unfunny screenplay by TV writer Goodman Ace. The pairing of the timid American nightclub comedian-turned-television-star George Gobel and Britain’s sexpot answer to Marilyn Monroe, Diana Dors, did not work because they lacked chemistry together. Dors found the pic so distasteful, she sued the studio for making her character so ridiculous.

NYC advertising executive Marshall “Mickey” Briggs (George Gobel) learns from his bossy boss at the Madison Ave. agency, Sutton (Adolphe Menjou), that their prime account Luxemberg beer threatens to cancel unless a new ad campaign can be launched and the boss gives him two days to save the account. Mickey’s wife Janice (Diana Dors) was a former beauty queen and was the winner of the Miss Luxemberg ad contest created by her future husband.

While nice-guy Mickey needs space and quiet to work, Janice, learns she’s pregnant and wants more quality time with her hubby. Janice’s mom (Jessie Royce Landis) lives with the couple, and becomes the subject of lame mother-in-law jokes. The strained running gag is that Mickey is unfairly accused of neglecting his curvy wife. This is thought of as so inconceivable that it becomes a source for all kinds of witless jokes.

Even for TV comedy this stuff is awful. Maybe the TV comedian’s fans can tolerate it, or male oglers can feel sated by just watching the Brit wiggle her ass as she walks by in a tight skirt every so often.

REVIEWED ON 6/18/2015 GRADE: C-